Key Points:

• Nonverbal cues are over 90% of the message
• Use fewer inflections
• Watch facial expressions and eye contact
• Use effective gestures
• Don’t ask tag questions
• Separate the people from the problem
• Learn men’s style of conversation
  

The nonverbal cues you send are most of your message, so pay attention to what your face and body are saying.  Tone, inflection, facial expressions and body language deliver over 90 percent of your message.  Listen to your voice.  If you have a high, whiney tone, then learn to lower your voice.  Women speak with more inflections and often let our voices go up at the end of a sentence.  Work toward speaking with less inflection in your voice to speak with more authority. 

Facial expressions and eye contact are also important in effective communication.  Try to connect and show that you value the other person, but in a professional way.  It’s been said that women smile to please and men smile when they are pleased.  Just try to have a pleasant expression, not a “happy face”.  Maintain eye contact, but don’t stare.  Weak eye contact shows a lack of confidence.  If you’re not sure how to maintain eye contact, look at one eye and then the other.

Watch your gestures and body language.  Don’t fidget, click your pen, chew your nails, play with your hair, or make other distracting gestures.  Don’t cross your arms across your chest.  Do show openness without invading the other person’s space.  Remember that listening is the other half of communicating!  Give the person you’re talking to your full attention.  It shows respect.

When it comes to communicating bad news and working through sticky issues, separate the people from the problem.  At work it is important to deal with the facts and remove the personalities.  Learn that everyone brings some talent to the table and use those talents to solve the problem.  Communicate your willingness to work with anyone.  When you let personalities get in the way of solving the problem, then you become part of the problem.  When you lose emotional control, others wonder if you are able to handle the job. 

If you find yourself getting into an argument with someone who opposes your position, try defusing the situation by agreeing with them.  Then present your position.  By simply saying, “You might be right, but would you consider…..”, you are agreeing to at least consider the other position, but also offering alternatives.  This shows your willingness to be a team player without either rolling over or being defensive.

Finally, men and women communicate in different ways.  Our brains are even structured differently!  Women can come across as ineffective just doing what comes naturally.  For example, women can easily carry on more than one conversation topic at a time – and often do.  With my former female boss, we could talk about a business issue, our parents, what we were having for lunch, and our strategy for an afternoon meeting in a two-minute span.  Don’t try to have that type of conversation with male colleagues.  They will think you can’t stay on track. 

Another style difference between men and women is the way we use conversation.  This has been called the “connection versus information” or “rapport versus report” approach.  Women use conversation to maintain connections.  Men use conversation to transmit information.  Women talk faster than men.  We use more words.  We share more personal information than most men want to hear.  To get your message across, be more efficient and speak to the point. 

Don’t be afraid to ask a friend at work about your communication style and in what areas you might want to improve.  When your communication style is clear, direct, and concise, the answer will be “Yes, I hear you now!”